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WAYS FOR PARENTS TO ENHANCE THEIR CHILD'S ADJUSTMENT DURING AND AFTER PARENTAL DIVORCE
It is estimated that between 40 and 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in a divorce. About 60 percent of these divorces involve children. As a result, more than one million children experience their parents' divorce each year. Parents of these children wonder about the effects of their divorce on their children and, more importantly, can they reduce any potential negative effects.
Does parental divorce have a negative effect on children? The answer is a qualified "yes." There are two reasons the "yes" is a qualified one. First, the effects are not as terrible as is often depicted in the public media. Many children do show adjustment problems. If we look at research studies (and there is a large number of them) that have examined how parental divorce affects children, the magnitude of the effect is modest. That is, across large numbers of children whose parents have divorced, the average disruption to a child's adjustment is relatively small, regardless of what area of adjustment you examine. Second, what is more apparent than the average size of the effect of parental divorce on children is the variability in children's reactions, with some showing more problems and some even showing fewer problems. This emphasizes the importance of how parents handle the divorce.
Four of the fifty ways* parents can best promote the adjustment of their children during and following divorce include the following:
1. NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD
Children often are afraid that when their parents divorce, their relationship with one or both parents will suffer. Unfortunately, this fear may be well founded. Simply stated, the parent-child relationship is at risk for deterioration after divorce for both custodial and noncustodial parents.
It is critical for divorcing parents to understand the importance of the parent-child relationship following a divorce: a positive parent-child relationship is among the best predictors of children's post-divorce adjustment. If your child is to adjust well to your divorce, nurturing the parent-child relationship is paramount. A positive parent-child relationship involves affection, warmth, effective communication, appropriate boundaries and discipline, mutual respect and caring, child-oriented time spent together, and a general enjoyment of each other's company. Here are a few ideas for nurturing your relationship with your child.
2. ENCOURAGE THE INVOLVEMENT OF THE NONCUSTODIAL PARENT
Many noncustodial parents, who typically are fathers, fail to stay very involved with their child after the divorce. This is unfortunate as a child's adjustment is enhanced by a positive, active relationship with both parents.
If you are the custodial parent, here are some ways you can encourage your ex-spouse to stay involved with your child.
3. DO NOT ARGUE WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD
Cooperation between divorcing parents is always best for children; however, if cooperation is not possible, then absence of conflict in front of your child is your goal. Regardless of the gender or age of your child, repeatedly exposing him to conflict between you and your ex-spouse is harmful.
Parental conflict in front of children can take different forms. It may be subtle, such as when parents make verbal "jabs" at each other, or, alternatively, such verbal conflict can be more overt and hostile, such as when threatening, screaming, and cursing occur. Furthermore, conflict may escalate into physical acts of parents pushing, shoving, or even hitting one another. Physical conflict is worse for children than verbal conflict; however, both are harmful for children's psychological adjustment.
Beyond the form (i.e., verbal or physical), there are other aspects of conflict that have been identified as particularly detrimental for children. As Robert Emery(2) of the University of Virginia has noted, conflict that is frequent, remains unresolved, and involves the child in the dispute is especially damaging.
Here are some recommendations for how you should handle issues with your ex-spouse that are most likely to lead to conflict:
* Focus on what is best for your child, not on whether you can win an argument with your ex-spouse.
4. DEVELOP A PARENTING PLAN
The way to parent most effectively is to have a plan! The purpose of a parenting plan is to encourage creative, individualized, and clear arrangements, as well as to facilitate cooperative parenting. Having a plan can make it easier for you and your ex-spouse to work together as parents and reduce the amount of conflict between you.
Joan McWilliams (3), an attorney and mediator in Colorado, points out that a parenting plan contains at least three sections:
1. Decision Making-How will you make decisions about health care, education, and religion for your child?
2. Visitation-How will your child spend time with each parent?
3. Dispute Resolution-What happens if you and your ex-spouse do not agree?
Here are some recommendations for developing a parenting plan:
A few thoughts for you to remember:
* Keep the best interest of your child as your priority as you parent during and after divorce.
* A hundred years from now it will not matter what sort of house I lived in, what my bank account was, or the kind of car I drove, but the world may be different because I was important in the life of my child. (Author Unknown)
By: Rex Forehand, University of Georgia and Nick Long, University of Arkansas For Medical Sciences.
* "Making Divorce Easier On Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust" by Rex Forehand and Nick Long, McGraw-Hill, 2002 (available now by visiting Amazon.com), is a translation of the scientific findings for parents in which 50 practical and simply stated advice capsules are presented. They emphasize that divorce does not have to have horrible, irreversible effects on children.
1. Long, N. & Forehand, R. Making divorce easier on your child: 50 effective ways to help children adjust. New York: McGraw-Hill; 2002.
2. Emery, RE Marriage, divorce, and children's adjustment (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage; 1999.
3. McWilliams, JH 1998. Creating parenting plans that work. Denver: Bradford Publishing Company; 1998.
About The Authors
Rex Forehand, Ph.D., is Regents Professor of Clinical Psychology and Director of the Institute for Behavioral Research at the University of Georgia. Dr. Forehand, a child clinical psychologist, has devoted more than thirty years to studying behavior problems of children and developing strategies for parents to use to change those problems. His research and applied clinical programs have been published in more than 300 professional journal articles and book chapters. His book Helping the Noncompliant Child (coauthored by Robert J. McMahon) has received national acclaim for its delineation of a proven clinical intervention program for therapists to use with parents of children with behavior problems.
Nicholas Long, Ph.D., is a Professor of Pediatrics and Director of Pediatric Psychology at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences and Arkansas Children's Hospital. He is also Director of the Center for Effective Parenting. He is coauthor of Parenting the Strong-Willed Child (with Rex Forehand), which has received international acclaim for providing parents with a proven program for changing child behavior. Dr. Long, who has published extensively in the areas of divorce and practical approaches to parenting, has developed strategies to help parents manage common behavior problems of your children and for parents who are going through stressful times, such as divorce.
Is My Kid OK?
1. Parental divorce does not always have terrible negative effects for children. Why?
2. What are some things parents can do to promote their children's adjustment during and following divorce?
3. What are some ways parents can reduce arguing from occurring in front of their children?